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"Skeleton Friend"

                                  

I said make me love myself        

so that I might love you          
Don't make me a liar,             

'cause I swear to god             
When I said it                    

I thought it was true                                                

         -Lyrics of Saint Bernard                 by Lincoln         

                                  

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In the Spring of 2019, I only applied to one school-- my decision had been made because I knew that I was going to live in Detroit. I was accepted, and I started that Fall. 

 

 

When I first got into Wayne, my mom told everyone that I wanted to go because of the diversity, which isn’t necessarily wrong. But,      she meant diversity in color--  not at all what I envisioned as diversity. I wanted to meet new people, I wanted to be exposed to new ideas, and I wanted to learn about new perspectives on the world. I wanted to be challenged and to challenge myself. And so, I opted into the randomized roommate program in the dorms ready for any and everything. 

 

 

I was surprised when I found out who I was assigned to. The program had told us over the summer, and naturally we both reached out. We seemed to mesh well. He was studying business-- something completely alien to me. In our correspondence over the summer we didn’t talk about anything deep like our political or religious convictions. But, I did warn him of my being Gay, and I told him that if that made him uncomfortable then I would be happy to switch rooms. 

 

 

From experience, I’ve found that it's better to dodge the hate crime before it comes. 

He politely declined and  after reaffirming his heterosexuality he said that he thought it would be alright. This, to me, was a sign of hope that made me optimistic for starting school in the Fall. 

 

 

When we were finally allowed to move into our dorm, Room 214, our families met and exchanged good will towards each other. It was a Saturday and my parents asked his parents if they would like to catch a drink. His parents politely declined after saying that they had to be up early the next day for Mass. “Great,” I thought, “he’s fucking Catholic.”

Did you know that Jesus is a figure of resistance and transgression against gender-norms? In “Men in Western Political Thought” (2004), written by Terrel Carver, Jesus is analyzed as a figure of resisting and transgressing gender norms against the Roman subjugated Jerusalem. Jesus takes men and women away from their families, he leaves his own family, and everyone lives in common with each other towards the devotion of God.   

 

 

I learned about this theory in my Senior year of college. Whether you take it or leave it, you’ve got to admit that it’s a pretty fun way to think about it. I can see orthodox believers turning in their graves just at the mention of Jesus being a gender-bender.

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Shit, I might almost go so far as to say that Jesus was a drag king saying,

 

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“Oh Mama, I may be riding in on a      donkey, but can you cure the sick and  heal the blind?"                      

                                      

*SNAP* for effect                     

                                      

-Unsourced quote from Jesus themself.                                        

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I didn’t fear that he was going to physically harm me in any way, mostly because he was about 5’4 and I was about 6’1. I feared that the home I left- the inescapable thumb where the skeletons of the wildflowers now lived painlessly- would follow me into the city. 

 

 

Contrary to what I believed, we slowly became friends over our shared struggles with school, Tarentino movies, and our love for debate. At the same time, we never really talked deeply about anything personal. Even though he considered himself to be a Republican, we could talk about the cruel tutelage of Trump and the growth of fear mongering in the Republican party. He was moderate enough not to be polemic, but he did draw the line at social issues. 

 

 

We shared a living space, a single room with two beds on either side and a window in the middle of the room. We shared many of our firsts together. Our first dorm room. Our first year at college. Our first chance to get away from the things that we were running from. 

 

 

Yet, we never talked about love, or what we feared, or what we believed in. He was fine not knowing about my personal life and likewise I was not compelled to know his. I suppose that we were content with being content.

Before going home on Spring Break, he asked me if I remembered coming out to him during the Summer; and when I said that did, he asked me if I was scared to tell him. We sat in silence for a moment, I think because this was probably the most personal question that had been asked between the two of us up until that point. 

 

 

We sat in silence, and then before I could speak he reluctantly told me that he asked his mom what he should do: should I stay or should I go? She advised him to do as she would, and she said that I would turn him Gay, and that if he roomed with me he would probably start finding men attractive. It was a direct statement of hate, but a covert implication of degeneracy. 

 

 

We sat in silence some more, me not knowing what to do, or what to say because the thumb had come back for me, with all of its vengeance. It was looking to force my eyes open and watch while it burned the wild flowers alive. 

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“Please spare me” they screamed. 

 

 

Then he spoke to me again saying that he disagreed with his mother, and that she just reaffirmed the decision he had already made. And so he decided to room with me, despite the fact that he knew his mother would need to be exorcized by a priest. 

 

                                   

No masters or kings                

when the ritual begins             
There is no sweeter innocence      

than our gentle sin                
In the madness and soil            

of that sad earthly scene          
Only then I am human               
Only then I am clean               
Oh, oh, Amen, Amen, Amen           

                                        -Lyrics of Take me to Church                    By Hozier          

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We went on, not discussing the matter any further and we returned back to our homes. Little did we know, we would not return back ever to see each other again because the pandemic would evict us out of the dorms, just days later. 

 

 

I’ve been in communication with him since then, and it has been four years since we first moved into that little hole in the wall. Some days I think about him, and I hope that he is carrying on.

 

 

We were both running away from things. We wanted to start anew; we wanted to challenge ourselves and be challenged by others. Nothing was going to stop us in this endeavor, because it was inevitable that we would find a way.

Find a way.

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